Dress: Topshop / Jacket: Forever 21 / Booties: Topshop / Bag: Chloe

Ok, so here's the thing. Blogging has been an outlet for me to express my style in fashion, beauty, food and well pretty much anything I've ever wanted to share.

While my Instagram page is quite active with pictures, my blog has fallen behind. Mostly because it takes a lot of time, and the other because I've had so much on my mind.

I thought if I write it down, maybe I'm throwing it out there to the universe to help sort it out for me. Another part of me just needs to express my feelings even if no one is reading it. Call it free therapy I guess. :)

When I first found out I was pregnant with Matthew, happiness wasn't my first feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love being his mom. But 5 years ago, motherhood was not in my plans. I was planning a wedding, we had just bought a home. So I had other plans at that time. I postponed my wedding and it worked out amazingly because Matthew got to walk me down the aisle 13 months later. My home has taken a back burner because I feel like I don't know what to do with it and I don't want to complete a room and not be happy with it a few months later.

But what's really been bothering me as of late is trying to figure out why I am unable to get pregnant again. It feels like 2 years have gone by where we are not careful and wanting to grow our family. Every month, anxiety. Every month, sadness. Every month, defeat.

What makes it worse, is the questions that come along with having a child. "So, do you want more kids?" I swear if I hear that question one more time, I might just lose my shit. What makes it even harder and it hurts so much, Matthew is asking for a baby. He so wants to be a big brother and I so desperately want to make him one. (Try explaining that to a 4-year-old).

So my journey to understanding, my journey to accepting starts now. I'm not giving up, my cut off has always been 40 so I have 2 years to figure shit out. While I'm still pretty silent cause no words can explain the shit going on in my mind and heart, I'm going to continue to be positive, patient and persistent because the universe has plans for me.