I've been away for so long I can't believe I'm actually posting.

I took some time away to focus on myself, my family and the little nugget in my belly.
The first trimester was a tough one for me. More like a clusterfuck of emotions that felt like there was no end. So I needed that time to try to relax and focus on everything without having the additional worry to post here or any social platforms.

Instead of an actual 18-week update that usually includes how I'm feeling, how much I've gained and all that fun stuff, I thought I'd recap you on how my first 3 months were.

First, let me start by saying SURPRISE, we're having a baby! I don't think I even did the surprise news post. All I can say is that this pregnancy has been completely different than my 1st. With Matthew, I was so calm and relaxed and absolutely loving my growing bump and the pregnancy glow.

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving this one as well, and I intend to until the end since this wll be my last baby. But, some bumps along the way made the 1st trimester less memorable. Ok ok, let me tell you how it went down.

Extreme nausea and fatigue, no appetite, and a few moments of vomiting. Not so bad, right? Totally something I knew to suck it up and do the best you can.

Usually, the blood work your doctor has you take to make sure your healthy and all that shit should be a breeze. Something I don't enjoy doing because I'm terrified of needles, but hey, I wanted another baby,so this was also part of the deal. So after having done my initial blood work, my doctor's secretary calls me 2 days later with an urgency that I come in right away to see the doctor. A million things run through my head. You know it's not for good news that they call you in so I immediately, so I call my husband in a panic.

Maybe I'm anemic. Maybe I'm in the process of having a miscarriage, Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many maybes discussed while driving to see my doctor. Oh, did I mention I had never met my doctor before? I changed doctors because I didn't like the experience with my last one after my labor with Matthew. 

So yeah, first time meeting and I'm in a panic. The doctors' office empty's out by the time I see her in her office. She asks me a few questions about my previous delivery, tells me I'm very healthy and that excellent. But here's the crazy part, and I quote "Have you ever had a blood transfusion before or needed blood after your first baby?" Ahhh, no. "See here's the thing, you tested positive for HIV" Uh, what?! At this point, I just remember looking at my husband in shock and no longer registering what the doctor is telling me.

She doesn't understand it because my blood work is amazing. She doesn't understand it because the level they test for HIV does not match what someone with HIV has. But because the lab flagged it, they were sending my results to the infectious disease center. Seriously, what the fuck is going on and what do I do? I remember looking at her and asking if I should panic, as I begin to panic and cry.

To top it off, she's handing me a paper because if I am HIV positive, she can't see me as a patient and refers me to a special clinic who handles these situations. I can tell she's upset as well. She calls the head doctor at her hospital to ask what the hell was going on and the doctor replied, "Oh don't worry about it, it should be fine." Fine?! You flagged me to the infectious disease center and telling me I have to wait 2 more weeks before I know definitively if I'm HIV positive. Fine that I have to possibly deal with infecting my husband, my son and possibly my unborn child. I wasn't fine. In fact, I cried every day until the results came back. Probably one of the scariest moments of my life.

Finally, after calls to my doctor asking if they had heard anything, they came back with it's a negative. This huge stress off my shoulders and I finally felt like I can enjoy my pregnancy. For now...

2 weeks later, I have to do the Combitest. Now if you're not from Canada and don't reference it this way, this test screens for risks of common birth defects: Trisomy 21, Trisomy 18, Trisomy 13, Spina Bifida and Anencephaly. We went to a private clinic for this since results are available within 48 hours. Perfect! I have my 12-week appointment that week and my doctor would have the results.

We brought Matthew with us because he has been so happy to become a big brother and has been absolutely amazing with me. He talks to the baby every day, it melts my heart. His reaction to seeing and hearing the heartbeat, the head and spine and tiny hands and toes was amazing. I also loved how he was concerned if the ultrasound would hurt me. Sweetheart, I know. The technician confirms all looks good on her end. Great heartbeat, nothing to flag! Great, that is always reassuring to hear. On to the blood test, yes? Matthew held my hand as I looked away and focused on breathing and not passing out. Blood test done, now we wait.

When the 48 hours came and no calls were received, I, of course, called them. I need my results, I'm on my way to see my doctor. No biggie, right? My results came in moderate. Moderate, what? Yeah, sure enough, I need to go for the 2nd screening in my 2nd trimester. I just remember crying the drive to the doctor's office and calling my mom. I can't stop crying and I wondering can I go without some news of retesting my blood? I appreciate the due diligence they do but fuck do I hate the waiting and unknown. All that to say that my tests were done 3 weeks later and I had to wait another 5 days for the results. Thankfully the results came out low risk and I celebrated with a Virgin Cesar.

Now that I am in my 2nd trimester, I finally feel like myself again and remaining calm and relaxed. I'm starting to feel some movements and so looking forward to my 20-week ultrasound. It's gonna confirm if it's a boy or girl since the first ultrasound could all predict 75% what the sex was. I await to shop all things baby and pick out the perfect name. 

Until next time when I have to do my glucose test.

Thanks for reading!